ready to take on the world

Alright, it's been WAY too long and our lives are entering such an exciting, fun stage I have got to get back on the blogging bandwagon and start writing again.

I find it interesting that my last post was Katrina Kennison's touching video which laments the passing of time and letting go of our children.  However, ever since Ryan made the decision to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I have been at peace and trying to completely live each day in the present moment. Occasionally I find myself dwelling on how fast the time has flown and begin to reminisce, but these moments seem less frequent and are fleeting.  However, I will catch myself tearing up with something as simple as the "checklist of items and dates in preparation for graduation" sent home from the high school, or something more solid, like a song (93 Million Miles by Jason Mraz and Jackson Browne's The Only Child get me every time).

This time of life, right now, has been pure joy.  I adore teenagers, and young people who are approaching high school graduation with a lifetime of possibilities ahead are the most invigorating, lively, and enthusiastic group of human beings one could surround themselves.  I can honestly say that this is the very happiest I have seen Ryan since he entered adolescence.  There is a light and goodness about him that just radiates and I know that these few months before he leaves on his mission will be very special.  That's why living in the present moment for me, each day, is crucial.

No, I haven't forgotten that I do have three other children who are leading lives of interest and hopefully the girls will receive some blog face time soon, but for now, here's a recap of Ryan's last few months:

First things first . . . college applications and acceptances.  He applied to four schools:  Boston University, Columbia, University of Southern California, and Brigham Young University.  He was accepted to all but Columbia and it was such a rewarding experience to watch these acceptances (and scholarships in the case of BU and BYU) roll in.  After so much hard work during high school and the hours put into the application process and essays, we were celebrating for days!  Now, figuring out how to finance his dream school (USC) is another story.

But after much thought and deliberation, Ryan decided to defer his college acceptances and serve a mission for our church.  His papers just went in this week, and he is eagerly awaiting his call - he is hopeful it will be here by graduation.  He will leave sometime in August or September, so until then he's enjoying every minute of his senior year (especially now that his has completed all his AP exams), and looking forward to his last summer at home . . .

Ryan and his close friends (all 22 of them) are heading to Newport Beach to spend a week together in two beach houses celebrating graduation, otherwise known as "Senior Trip."  The kids are all looking forward to the beach time and I praise my friend Monica who not only volunteered to chaperone one of the beach houses, but held a parent meeting to discuss specifics, and put together packets for each teen which included a medical release form and "code of conduct" disclosure.  I love this woman (and so do all the kids)!!

BIRTHDAY!  Ryan turned 18 on 4/14/13 and we celebrated a low key birthday at home since it was a Sunday.  He received the standard "money tucked away in his favorite sugar cereals and treats" as well as a fun treasure hunt I put together with 18 clues - each one a special memory of Ryan at that age (he's reading clue #1 on the cereal box).  The treasure hunt was truly a walk down memory lane as I hid clues behind his favorite books when he was 7 (Harry Potter), behind his deacon picture for clue #12, in his car for clue #16 . . .   and the prize at the end of the hunt:  a longboard for Sr. trip - he was thrilled and we all know he secretly loved the treasure hunt, even if he kept telling us he's not a little kid anymore!

Ryan asking to the dance (with Caroline's help) and Annie answering

SENIOR PROM excitement begins to brew.  At Skyline, where Ryan attends high school, Sr. Prom is reserved mainly for the seniors and so this was his first really nice, formal (as in wear a tux) dance.  I was elated when he told me who is was going to ask since I had been bugging Ryan each dance to ASK HER!  These two have been friends since we moved here when they were both in 5th grade and she is one exceptional young lady whose smile lights up a room the minute she walks in - LOVE this girl.

A few pictures from the dance:

Ryan, Annie and the crew gathering for pictures with the parents.  4/4/13.

Cute couple.

The handsome senior guys 

The stunning senior girls

Part of their group of 30!

I had to screen shot Ryan's instagram after the dance - so sweet!  

(Annie was Skyline's prom queen as well - way to go Ryan :).

MOTHER'S DAY 2013 was definitely one I'll never forget.  It is tradition that the graduating seniors from the Little Cottonwood Ward speak to the congregation about their plans for the future, as well as pay tribute to their mothers.  The bishop asked these four exceptional young people to share which Christlike attributes they see in their mother's and how they have been influenced by their moms.  All the talks were fabulous and Ryan's words were thoughtful and straight from the heart (even if he began the talk by saying "everyone knows how awesome my mom is, but she is really awesome because she let me keep my mullet" - sigh).

LCW seniors - these kids are going places - we were very impressed.

Love my boy!

Time for SENIOR pictures and I'm so grateful for a friend who has a nice camera, whose son is great friends with Ryan, and who took the time to shoot a few pics for Ryan's graduation announcements (for free).  Thanks Kim!

I thought she captured some great shots highlighting different aspects of Ryan's personality 

(and his pride and joy - the hair ;).

The next item of business was graduation announcements, which I just put together last night - here is the final product:

front

back

Now with graduation approaching and the cap and gown resting neatly in a box on Ryan's dresser, his mind is filled with anticipation of a mission call and I couldn't be more proud to be his mother.  This young man is going to be an AMAZING missionary.  His leadership skills and knowledge of the gospel are truly remarkable, as well as an intuitive way with people that just makes him so dang likeable.

So, it was off with the hair and on with the dark suit and tie for a quick picture to send in with his papers.  

Here is our future missionary:

preparing for the inevitable

OK, here goes.  It's been an exciting week of college notifications, friends receiving mission calls, preparation for graduation and senior trip.  I'm just ripe for another sentimental post about my child growing up and preparing to leave the nest.

But instead of reading my ramblings, I'll share some thoughts from an insightful author who just "gets it" and has the uncanny brilliance and ability to put my feelings into these touching words.  Thank you Katrina Kenison for your wisdom in finding the beauty of my very own "ordinary days."

Get a tissue . . .

life, purpose, and a prayer

It's been so long since I've written anything remotely meaningful, and as I was taking a few minutes this evening to scan the blog, I realized how many events, memories, and small moments that have been forgotten, but thankfully are immortalized on this little digital memory keeper.  Unfortunately, the past year my personal journal writing and the blog have both suffered greatly.  As much as I tell myself I will be better, can't promise anything, but for tonight, the urge to write without an attempt to catch up on family events, post pictures, inspirational quotes, or humorous anecdotes is strong and I should follow the simple nudge to write a few musings . . .

Friday evening Ryan received word that he had been accepted to BYU and called us immediately to share the news.  After celebrating on the phone, Chris looked at me and said, "well, it's really happening now, we've done our job and he's prepared - nice work."  Ryan is still waiting to hear back from three other schools before making a final decision and I'm making every effort to make these last 6 months at home as meaningful as possible.  There will truly be an emptiness in our home when Ryan leaves.  I'll have to devote an entire post to "the things I'll miss the most when Ryan is gone," but for now, I'm cherishing our time together, especially our late night chats when we have a few minutes to connect after everyone else is in bed.

Life is transitory.  Everything is in motion, shifting, changing.  Little Elizabeth is literally transforming before my eyes, each day shedding her little girl appearance and gradually morphing into an almost pre-teen.  Sigh.

The other night, around midnight after another snow storm had left it's mark with another foot of snow, I stepped outside for a short walk.  It's been awhile since I made my way into that unique peaceful silence, reserved especially for nights like this.  Although it's been a long winter, with no end of the cold, snow, and dreary days in sight; breathing that sharp, clean air into my lungs and listening to the soft crunch of snow under my boots while looking up at the brilliant, clear winter sky was transformative.  Instead of complaining about this winter (for about 10 minutes ;), I was grateful for a moment in time when everything seemed perfect, yet transitory.  Realizing that the next day, if I were to step outside at the same time, I could not recreate that moment.  It wouldn't be the same. The snow would have time to settle, the air would be a different temperature, my boots wouldn't make fresh tracks, and the delicate ice crystals floating in the black sky would be nonexistent, and therefore, the rush of gratitude and happiness most likely would not take place.

Why do I muse about such moments in time?  I suppose it's because while I was out connecting with winter and appreciating a small gift, my mind drifted to the constant shifting and changing within our own lives.  Living a purposeful life requires adjustment to these changes without clinging to a version of how things used to be, or worse, an unrealistic expectation of how we think life should be now or in the future.  I guess that's why embracing the transitory nature of all things, especially relationships, is essential.  It's complex, but we change, the people around us change, and realizing the great potential in each transition is truly beautiful.

So, my life is in a flux of transition right now.  Ryan's preparing to spread his wings and leave the nest, Caroline is anxiously awaiting her 16th birthday and drivers license, Sophie will be turning 12 soon and entering the young women's program, and Liza Lou is bound and determined at almost nine to be the most independent of them all.  I am adjusting to the needs and demands of my little flock daily, and realize that without prayer, I am not as compassionate, patient, or adaptable.  It's that simple.  Prayer keeps me strong, helps me gain insights and wisdom I know I couldn't glean on my own, and gives me the quiet assurance that everything will work out, it always does.

homecoming 2012

Caroline's first high school dance

Last weekend was homecoming for both our teens, and can I even tell you how much FUN it was having two kids involved, especially a daughter.  From the excitement of getting asked, to picking out the perfect dress and matching shoes, and finally sending her out the door to have the time of her life with all her friends . . . it was truly memorable.  First of all, she looked darling.  Caroline is definitely my daughter - it took her all of 30 minutes to get ready: make-up, hair, dressed, DONE (no fancy curls or manicures for this girl).

She went to the dance with one of my favorite young men on the planet, her best "guy friend" since 6th grade, Jacob.  I love this boy, ADORE this kid, and knew he was the only person good enough to take my girl out on her first date (yes, I'm biased).  One drawback was that his soccer game that afternoon went into overtime and he had to have his mom, along with another couple she was driving, pick up Caroline and bring her flowers - how great is that?!

Although I didn't get to witness her first attempt at pinning on a boutonniere (that would have been comical) and see her date personally pick her up, his mom did email over a boatload of pictures that captured their friendship perfectly as the group gathered before they headed out for dinner (to the Spaghetti Factory of course . . . Caroline thought it was pretty cool that even I ate there before school dances back in the day :).

Here you go - a TON of pics, but I had to post them in succession so I can remember the sweet friendship these two share:

I can hear Caroline saying, "OK, enough my friend!"

Really, aren't these two just so cute!!

Miss Caroline - the life of the party

LOVE this group of kids!

Ryan also went to the dance . . .

Poor Ryan won't get nearly the face time his sister did on this post, but I do remember quite a detailed blog post when it was HIS first dance.  Anyway, I was hoping that more pictures would pop up on Facebook, but unfortunately I only have a few from his Homecoming festivities (all the kids instagram now, and I can't figure out how to pull pics off their instagram - ugh).  He and his friends planned an all day activity, so he took off in shorts and a sweatshirt up to Park City (the picture would have been Ryan holding a hanger with his dress clothes, opening the car door while Chris and I wish him well - not that exciting).  I didn't see him until he made his way back home at 2:30am.

At the football game Friday night

The guys . . . it makes me happy that my son sports a bow tie :).

Part of their crew - they were in a group of 42 - yes, all 21 couple reserved a patio area at a sushi restaurant - oh my.  They even all squeezed into one picture at the dance.

Now, THAT is a pic I want to see!

One memory the kids shared that has no picture, but worth recording:

While at the dance a large group had formed a circle and Ryan was in the center doing his thing (whatever that was - dancing apparently :), and he sauntered up to Caroline who was clapping along with the crowd and took her by the hand, led her to the center of the circle and danced with her. OK, melted my heart to hear that story. I'm pretty sure that gesture meant the world to Caroline . . . 

transistion

Ah, the beginning of the new school year, the cooler evening temperatures, and the brilliant fall colors signify one thing - change.  I don't particularly care for change.  I know, it's inevitable and now that we're a couple weeks into school, and I'm not the basket case I was back then, I can finally write about these changes.

The first day of school, I couldn't even come home - spent the entire day out and about so I wouldn't have to face an empty house.  Enjoyed a morning hike with Lucy to one of my favorite spots (pic at left - Dog Lake / Millcreek Canyon), and then babysat my nephew for a few hours.

The panic and tears didn't begin until the next day when the quiet of the house and the realization that we only have a year with Ryan before he's off to college, hit home and hit hard.

I should have known it was coming . . . throughout the summer when I would least expect it, BAM, the tears would start, and before I knew it I couldn't stop.  Something as simple as a song would usually begin the deluge (Jason Mraz's "93 Million Miles" does it every time, and just last week it was U2's "Walk On").  After closer reflection, it's not the fact that school as started again and the house is empty and I'm missing the energy and chaos of the kids, which is all true.  But it's that this season, the transition from summer into fall, and the myriads of changes that are taking place signify something much grander than going back to school.  It's the passage of time. I am mourning the passing of another year my kids have grown and matured, and another year closer to them leaving home.

My planets

Chris sent me this beautifully written article last week with the tag "this reminded me of you and what you're going through right now."  Of course, we're only beginning the college application process with Ryan, but reading this woman's experience was so familiar and her feelings so closely mirrored my own, that I will cherish her essay for many years to come.  The author's metaphor that as mothers we are the "sun" to our "planet" children, and as we raise them they orbit around us and we are always there, shining down on them, keeping them safe, and watching over them.  Then a child leaves his/her orbit, and of course they are still part of our lives, but more like a "shooting star," coming and going, never staying too long, and it will never be the same.

Change.  Transition.  So another year has passed and I should truly celebrate rather that try to hold on to the past.  I've turned to reading Zen philosophy this past week to remind myself to enjoy the present with the awareness that change is always taking place and nothing is permanent, nothing.  And that's the beauty of life.

The Zen proverb, "Let go or be dragged" speaks volumes about letting go of permanence and allowing change into our lives.  I have to let go of my children and some point, but I'm going to be present for them now and really listen and open my heart to them while they are in my orbit.  Letting go of attachments and not fighting change is central to Zen awareness and it's so difficult for me, but I'm getting better.  I'm learning that anything we hold onto only drags us away from truly feeling at peace. As hard as it is to let go of children, of resentment, the need to be right, expectations, and even past friendships that were once crucial to my happiness, holding on will never lead to the peace and serenity necessary to enjoy the present.

Enough of Zen, but I have to say it's really helped (along with yoga, reading "Gilead" yet again, and hiking a few times each week).  Friday morning after I dropped the girls off at school, the sun was rising in the east over the Olympus mountain range and Simon & Garfunkle's Bridge Over Troubled Water was playing (gotta say that the "Essential S& G" is definitely the best music for life's transitions). As my car filled with brilliant September light, I knew everything would be alright. Life will continue to march forward and I'll keep moving along, trying to stay with the beat without looking back and getting trampled in the process.

read to me

Today after the second session of conference I was so wound up I needed to a. get outside for some fresh air and a walk, and b. do something productive.  Four hours of sitting on a couch watching conference just about does me in.  Don't get me wrong, I love conference, but I do much better if I can listen and be active at the same time . . . should have thought ahead and planned a project for today :-).

Before our walk, I noticed the girls' book shelves were in dire need of some organization, so I began pulling out books that they had outgrown and made a pile to give to the kids when they start their families, and a pile to save for our eventual grandchildren.  Suddenly, I was awash in tender memories as I felt the spine of each familiar, worn title from their childhood.  Books have always played an important role in our lives and I was surprised how many of these treasures tugged at my heart as I reminisced the hours spent cuddling with each child on the rocking chair or snuggling in bed reading a favorite bedtime story.

Although Ryan and Caroline are now reading Shakespeare and classic American novels for English class, and our bedtime stories have evolved from "time for bed little mouse, little mouse" to giggling together under the covers as I read Anne's latest antic, I hope the memories of those sweet stories will forever be etched in their hearts as they patiently wait to be passed on to the next generation.

Ryan, Caroline, Sophie, and Elizabeth's favorite childhood bedtime stories:

Beautifully illustrated poetry beloved by all ages . . .

There was a young lady of Niger

Who smiled as she rode on a Tiger;

They came back from the ride

With the lady inside,

And a smile on the face of the Tiger.

The GREATEST book of alphabet poems in print - love!

Ahhh, such a sweet book of poetry 

(and I'm a sucker with anything illustrated by Jane Dyer) . . .

Read to me riddles

and read to me rhymes,

read to me stories of magical times.

Read to me tales

about castles and kings,

read to me stories

of fabulous things.

Read to me pirates,

and read to me knights,

read to me dragons

and dragon-back flights.

Read to me spaceships

and cowboys and then

when you are finished--

please read them again!

Looking for the perfect collection of Fairy Tales?  This is it.  

Our book is falling apart and we've read it cover to cover many times over.  

Every classic fairy tale is in contained in this book, along with fantastic illustrations.

Chris Van Allsburg.  Need I say more?  

Ryan's favorite story (along with Where the Wild Things Are).

A sweet story of the simple life and passing our love of family and nature on to our children, 

as we teach one another about "all the places to love."  Gorgeous illustrations.

I gave this to Ryan when Caroline was born . . . sniff, sniff.

This is Sophie's favorite story.
Such a sweet tale of a little bat trying to find her place in the world.

Liza's favorite story.  The other day I walked into her room just as she had finished reading it yet again, and she exclaimed, "not easy being a bunny?? pssshh, it's not easy being a PERSON!"

The title says it all . . . we love them, "no matter what."

Who doesn't love NO DAVID!  Caroline loved this book and Chris would read it to her night after night when she was a little toddler.

My mom gave this to me the day I brought Ryan home from the hospital.  It will always have a special place in my heart - it's been read hundreds of times to all the kids.

Said the mother horse to her child,

I love you as much as a warm summer breeze . . .

Said the mother bear to her child,

I love you as much as the forest has trees.

Classic.  My kids love this story just as much as I did.

Another classic . . . sends my little girls into hysterics each time we read it, 

especially if you can do the monkey sounds just right :-).

I love you to the moon and back.

And the all time Cantera favorite bedtime story . . .

It doesn't seem that long ago that both Chris and I read this 

sweet, simple poem to each child night after night as they pointed out each picture:

Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Good night cow jumping over the moon
Goodnight light
And the red balloon
Goodnight bears
Goodnight chairs
Goodnight kittens
And goodnight mittens
Goodnight clocks
And goodnight socks
Goodnight little house
And goodnight mouse
Goodnight comb
And goodnight brush
Goodnight nobody
Goodnight mush
And goodnight to the old lady
whispering "hush"
Goodnight stars
Goodnight air
Goodnight noises everywhere.