know.it.all.

I have a problem.  Alright, it's been awhile since I've aired my weaknesses, so I figured we're due.  Thank goodness for teenagers, at least mine anyway, because they have absolutely no qualms about telling you exactly where you fall short in your social interactions with others.  Which is why I wasn't at all surprised when Caroline announced that I need to "take it easy" and try not to sound so condescending around people, especially other adults.  In her words:  "Mom, don't be such a know-it-all . . . it makes people feel dumb when they're around you."

Chris was in the room and burst out laughing because, yes, as much as I hate to admit it, there is some truth in her statement.  The problem is that I'm not intentionally trying to "one up" another person or be condescending, but rather that I seem to have so much information floating around my head, it needs to unload somewhere and I figure "who doesn't want to be enlightened by this knowledge?!"  Sigh.

Caroline's frustration arose after our "scripture feast" Young Women's activity last week (an annual tradition - such a wonderful evening), and I thought everything went off without a hitch and was fabulous . . . until Caroline mentioned my problem.  I know, she's a little extra sensitive because I'm her mom and I completely understand that my role is to never embarrass her.  Enough said.

Anyway, I suppose it began when I started pointing out extra scriptures and historical references to enhance the girls' understanding, which Caroline said was fine because the girls seemed to enjoy listening and learning, but when she realized none of the leaders knew what I was taking about, that's when I was hitting the danger zone. Then I really plowed into unwanted territory when I blurted out the correct quote someone had misquoted, and then without listening the the internal voice that was screaming for me to shut up, I offered the correct author of the quote.  UGH.  I must have sounded something like this . . . "oh, and I believe the person who originally penned that phrase was Eleanor Roosevelt."  Not Good.  Apparently I didn't see Caroline rolling her eyes as I dug myself into a pit of unsolicited, trivial information.

I applaud my daughter for bringing this short sightedness to my attention and I promised I would watch myself, especially during Young Women activities and in church.  Well, that lasted about, um, a day.  This morning during a meeting with the presidency and our advisers all was going well and I was keeping unnecessary comments and thoughts to myself . . . until our conversation drifted to include an unfamiliar neighbor (who is from Iran) whose mother is in the hospital, and what we could do to help the family.  I said, "Oh, I've met her, she's lovely, she's Persian, right?"  The gal next to me answered, "No she isn't, she's Iranian."  And before she could even exhale her remark, I responded with "It's the SAME THING . . . Persia is Iran, people who live in Iran are Persian."  And I'm sure she could hear the inaudible "duh" at the end because an immediate feeling of "Julie, could you be any more annoying" immediately presented itself from around the table before I could kick myself for being such an idiot.

Sigh.  I'll get better.  Please don't take offense and if it will help, just think of me as the female version of Dwight . . .

Deactivate

It was time for a break.  It was cluttering my mind and taking precious time away from things that matter most.  I battled back and forth, discussing the pros and cons endlessly with myself.

So yes, I committed social suicide last week by leaving facebook - gasp.

It was like breaking up with a really cool, but unstable boyfriend.  The guy you think is really great for you because everyone says how amazing you are together, but deep down you know he's nothing but trouble.  Really, I liked facebook, a lot.  I love to socialize - I'm a overly social person (if you haven't figured that out already ;-).  I still remember my 8th grade English teacher reminding me that if my academic skills were as brilliant as my social skills, I'd be a genius.

Of course we were a perfect match.  However, my desire to be social and my love of people and friends led me to forget the things that deep down I know make me the happiest and bring the most fulfillment. Facebook became my "downtime" and began to slowly replace the activities that used to fill that precious time.  A few weeks ago, I realized it had been so long since I'd really sat down at the piano, which used to be one of my favorite downtime activities.

So I'm taking a long break from social media.  I have to admit that the habit to check facebook is strong, but the feeling of freedom is stronger.  I don't know if it will be a forever thing because there are many qualities I liked about the site, but for now, being out of the loop and not knowing what everyone is up to has been unbelievably liberating.

I'm sure I'll be back eventually, and when I make that decision I'll most likely discreetly log on and clear out a few "friends" whom I really don't even know personally, and hopefully my reunion with facebook will be much more healthy and stable :-).

Not so great mom

Alright, I figured it's about time I let you in on a secret.  There are days when I stink as the mom, yep, really mess things up, and today I my kids clearly thought I'd be a great candidate for "worst mom EVER."

I think it's the guilt.  Guilt for not whisking Liza out of her first grade classroom months ago, and now regretting the lost weeks she has been required to spend in a windowless, dreary school with too many kids stuck in a tiny classroom with a teacher who doesn't believe in letting kids "read ahead" or do any math homework for fear that they will "know more" than the other students.

We pulled her out today and will begin homeschooling in the afternoons.  I should have moved her into a different school when I had the chance back in October, but thought things would get better and that I shouldn't be so hasty.  We tried to switch schools at the Christmas break, but unfortunately the classes were full, so this is my compromise.  She still will go to school in the morning because the class is smaller and after today's experiment, I know I'm not prepared or qualified to have her home all day.

So, with the massive weight of "not being more aware of my child's needs" plaguing me, I added more flames to my guilt fire and systematically offended each of my kids today.  Good one.

Here's the run-down:   anger at the school combined with frustration that Liza hasn't progressed much, led to unwarranted impatience as we were working on counting money (oh ya, and my neighbor came over right in the middle of it . . . always great to hear, "is everything ok" when you answer the door - ugh).  Nice.  Next victim, Ryan . . . I said something that made it sound like I didn't trust him (NEVER let your trustworthy teen think you don't trust them - ugh).  Good one Julie.  Next victim, Sophie . . . who came home from school excited to share the news of the day and all I did was nag about her completed math assignment she forgot to take to school.  Lovely.  Next victim, Caroline . . . I flipped out when she and Sophie let the dog out without supervision and it ran over to the neighbors, almost got hit by a car, and then pooped on the neighbor's lawn (immediately telling Caroline now she was responsible for that mess).  Just wonderful, did I forget anyone?

Alright, there you go, my less than stellar day of mothering.  I did apologize to everyone and my favorite response came from Caroline when she told me, "you can't just freak out like that and then say I'm sorry and act all happy like everything is normal again."  Um, yes I can Caroline, that's what I do :-).

Just so you all don't think I'm completely deserving of the award for the worst mom, we did make it to the store to pick out the little girls' Valentines, and I did manage to make a yummy curry/chicken/couscous dinner (guilt: not eating together, but rather everyone just grabbed a plate dished a serving straight from the stove and sat wherever - sigh).  And most importantly, they all received a big hug and heartfelt explanation that it was just a hard day and I'll try better next time.  Then I accompanied Chris to the first round of the state playoff hockey championships to cheer on our son . . . bonus, they won!

The good news is that tomorrow is a new day and I'll have a clean slate once again.

Resolutions?

Yep, New Year's resolutions - made some that I thought were pretty great.  Thought I would tackle some of my inner weaknesses, well guess what?  ALL bets are off when that perfect storm has been brewing for a week and is finally unleashed . . . ok, yes, you got it, that optimistic, cheerful, happy thing that rarely lets anything bother . . . um, ya, today I turned into "don't get close to me or I'll bite your head off" psycho lady.

It was purely self loathing.  Self pity for the squishy belly that suddenly appeared, for the lovely cellulite that's multiplying and replenishing on my thighs from all the junk I've put into my body the past few weeks, and for not having the drive get my sorry self out for an intense workout.  Today was going to be "the day" - the day to get out and do something active . . . well, I forgot about a PTA meeting I had to go to (only to face the principal's disappointment that I messed up on a project), then it was finishing the Christmas clean-up, then it was laundry, then it was kids . . .

SO, after barely squeezing into my favorite jeans yesterday + not working out seriously for over a MONTH + gorging myself with every holiday treat in sight (dang my aunt's homemade chocolates) + drinking coke (which i never do) + the inversion + "that time of month" + my sassy kids + feeling like I have no "me" time to actually get out and exercise = the version of Julie that probably has offended everyone within earshot - my kids, my friends, the neighbors, strangers, the neighbor's dog . . . you get the picture.

SIGH . . . the good news is that when i finally connected with Chris on the phone today at 6pm and he asked "how's your day been?" I didn't hesitate to say, "honestly, it stunk - ugh, lousy day, I think it's because I haven't had a good workout in ages."  Thank goodness I said what I felt, thank goodness I didn't say "fine, it's been fine," which normally I would do and just deal with it, because he said, "GO - tonight - take as much time as you need, I'll take care of the kids."

And I did - even if it was just running at a lousy 10 minute pace for 3.5 miles on a treadmill - I was sweating, my heart was racing, my face was red, and it felt OH, SO GOOD.  Tomorrow morning I have a tennis workout which I haven't been to since before Thanksgiving, and I'm going running afterward, Friday I'm skiing with Sophie, and if I'm not skiing with the big kids on Saturday, I'll be on my new snowshoes up the Quarry Trail in Little Cottonwood . . .

Life is good again.  My sincerest apologies if any of you experienced my wrath first hand today, I'm still not perfect, even if at times I think I am :-).