preparing for the inevitable

OK, here goes.  It's been an exciting week of college notifications, friends receiving mission calls, preparation for graduation and senior trip.  I'm just ripe for another sentimental post about my child growing up and preparing to leave the nest.

But instead of reading my ramblings, I'll share some thoughts from an insightful author who just "gets it" and has the uncanny brilliance and ability to put my feelings into these touching words.  Thank you Katrina Kenison for your wisdom in finding the beauty of my very own "ordinary days."

Get a tissue . . .

it's about family.

 

My last post was written in a moment of extreme emotion, and I'm still pondering daily what can and should be done in this country to avoid another tragedy.   As time passes, I continue to evaluate what is truly the most important.  After reading numerous articles and statistics, and listening to many interviews and pundits, nothing "spoke" to me, until I read this news story on KSL a few days ago.

Estee Carter, a survivor of the Columbine school shooting, offers her perspective regarding last week's events and mentions that FAMILY and the bonds within that group, the love that is present as we watch over and care for one another is where we should focus our energy.  From the article:

Two months after the shooting, Carter was asked to participate in a youth violence summit. Her remarks were quoted in newspapers around the country. . . . 

“I said something when I was 17, and I still really believe it,” she said. “I think we focus so much on the periphery on the what, on the gun control, violent movies and we focus on the what and not the why. I think that the foundation of our society is our family. It is what is going on in our homes, and I believed it then and really believe it now.”

I could not agree more, because it is in families where we learn to value life, to express love and concern for family, friends, and strangers; where we gain confidence, and where we grow and learn about interacting with others and the world around us.  Unfortunately, our society has become so fragmented and families are disintegrating at an increasingly rapid pace.  Many children do not have the safety and security found within a loving home that is vital to their emotional, mental, and spiritual growth.  My last post detailed our responsibility to be that "village" and watch for those children who need comfort outside the walls of their own homes.

Indeed, we are our "brother's keeper" and should do all in our power to strengthen homes and families wherever we are in the nation, or we will continue to witness violence and tragedy.  The message from our modern prophets in the document, "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" is one of pure truth, testimony, and hope.  The words of this proclamation have been running through my mind ever since I read the article, particularly this portion:

HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.

It IS about family, it's all about family.  The nations with the strongest homes and families will be the most successful nations.  We should do all we can to maintain and strengthen our own families, as well as support those mothers, fathers, and children desperately looking for role models and friendship.

And if I don't get another blog post before Christmas, may each of you enjoy a very Merry Christmas and hold those most precious family members to you a little closer this year!

charity never faileth

The tragedy in Connecticut has hit home for every person in the nation, if not throughout the world.  We are reminded to hold our kids tighter, to cherish our relationships, and never forget how fragile life can be.  There has also been a nonstop conversation regarding gun control, mental illness, and school security.  Everyone is seeking an answer of what drives someone to the point to commit such a senseless act of violence on the innocent.  My heart is aching tonight and my thoughts have been turned to the young man who took the lives of these children.  His life must have been one of desperation.  The pictures that I've seen of this boy are seered in my mind and I honestly can't help but wonder how his life events and relationships played out.  I imagine a tragic life without any sense of self worth, validation, appreciation, or love that is so crucial to every person's emotional development and well being.

A mantra that I repeat often to my children, my young women, and anyone willing to listen is this:

"When someone hurts you, it's because they aren't feeling love or they are filled with fear. People won't hurt other people when they feel noticed, appreciated, included, and safe."

The debate about why people do such awful things can begin with a deep look inside each of us and what steps we take each day to reach out and connect on a personal level with others.

To conquer bullying and encourage more respect and positive relationships, my girls' elementary school has begun a "fill someone's bucket today" initiative (the impetus which was this fabulous book).  The purpose is to instill lifelong habits in our children which build others, "fill" their emotional buckets, and make everyone feel like they have a friend.

Our world is becoming increasingly disconnected and a few minutes sending tweets and reading facebook posts will not equate the essential connection one feels within personal one-on-one interactions.  The friendships that I strengthen through phone calls and face time are the ones that currently bless my life.  The others pale in comparison . . . that is until we make personal contact again. It's truly amazing how quickly we are emotionally filled by the encouragement and connection with someone when it is done personally.

This is where my thoughts have been the past couple of days, and rather than engage in a contentious gun control debate or throw something at the tv when analysts begin discussing this "monster," I will choose to focus on making myself a better person and teaching my children to have confidence to reach out others.

I was dismayed that my sister called me out in a public social forum within hours of this tragedy on our choice to own a gun and demanded I answer her questions about gun violence. After answering her initial question with some of the reactionary gene that is imbedded in my psyche, I finalized the debate with this response:

I will end the conversation with this thought: I am not on trial here for my beliefs or values. If you and Bryan would like a civil discourse with Chris and me about this issue we would be happy to engage. Please take me out of this discussion, especially when our family is more focused and concerned at this time for the welfare and support of the families and loved ones of all those connected with this tragedy. My heart is breaking for everyone involved, and the conversation we are having with our children is that we continue to watch for the lonely, the misfits, and those who so desperately need to feel love and appreciation in this increasingly disconnected world. I don't know what the answer is, but for us, we choose to focus on love and awareness of those struggling with mental/emotional illness and those who so desperately need to feel validation and connection with others. That is one thing the government cannot solve. There are too many emotionally empty people in the world and my family will be doing our part to strengthen those in need rather than debate gun control in a public forum with you.

My prayer is that we come together during this difficult time in a spirit of compassion, understanding and love as we search for answers . . .

And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

  But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found  possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.

  Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail.

  Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.

Moroni 7:45-48, The Book of Mormon

fine

This looks familiar . . .

When I ran across this yesterday it made me smile because if you know me well, you know that there is fine and then there is Julie fine, which my family will tell you means: absolutely "NOT FINE." 

Make sense?  Absolutely not, of course it doesn't.   It's what we optimistic people (mostly women) say when life isn't great or something is wrong and we don't want to pull anyone down into our dismal black hole of emotional distress.  That is precisely why this image hit home because apparently I've some fellow comrades out there. 

Confused?

So, how do you know which people on the planet that say "fine" truly mean they are fine and dandy, or which people are who say it are just Julie fine??

From my standpoint, a sincere "are you sure you're really fine?" will allow a friend to possibly open up and relate how they are feeling.  Or, on the other hand, really confuse someone who literally IS fine as they try explaining to you that yes, indeed, they are great and will you stop probing already!

reflecting on 20 years

September 21, 1991

I really can't believe we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary earlier this week.  I remember my PARENTS' 20th anniversary when I was in Jr. High and they seemed so OLD.  Honestly, how did this milestone creep up on us so quickly?  As alarming as hitting 20 years together seems, it's also been a sweet reminder of the things that have kept us together all these years and how we've grown, both individually and collectively.  We've reminisced about everything from the excitement of meeting one another and dating, to the realization that we've actually put up with one another for this long ;-).

Of course, we have had highs and lows like every other marriage . . . we've struggled, we've done stupid things, we've hurt one another, we've said things we regret, we've felt unsupported, unappreciated, and misunderstood, we've yelled and slammed doors, we've cried together, we've forgiven, we've learned from our mistakes, and we've stayed up all night working things out . . . we've also created countless memories, laughed so hard it hurts, shared some unbelievable experiences and adventures, nurtured our faith and testimonies in the gospel, raised our children with unflinching honesty, and become closer with each passing year.  Through it all, we've realized that we are two firstborn stubborn, opinionated, passionate people who care deeply about each other and couldn't get along without the other.

I don't know what I would do without Chris.  We both agree that we would be lost souls if one of us were gone.  What we've realized in the years since our wedding day, is that our marriage is anything but "perfect" - it requires vigilance and constant nurturing, understanding, and communication.  However, it also has become one of my richest blessings as I continue to develop greater patience, humility, empathy, and charity for my family members as well as others.

Some say "soul mates" don't exist, that it's just a matter of luck or timing.  But I believe they do. I truly believe that I could only learn some of the most important lessons for my personal growth here in mortality through my relationship with Chris. We were meant to find each other 21 years ago, in circumstances that every year seem more than coincidental. It wasn't a chance meeting, but truly a soul connection that brought us together, and the longer we live and grow together, the more I believe that is true. It seems everyone is searching for some sort of "soul connection" these days because it's my most popular post, receiving several hits each day.  After some digging I found the quote in its entirety.  It's simply exquisite . . . and oh, so true:

"A soul connection is a resonance between two people who respond to the essential beauty of each other's individual natures, behind their facades, and who connect on this deeper level. This kind of mutual recognition provides the catalyst for a potent alchemy. It is a sacred alliance whose purpose is to help both partners discover and realize their deepest potentials. While a heart connection lets us appreciate those we love just as they are, a soul connection opens up a further dimension -- seeing and loving them for who they could be, and for who we could become under their influence. This means recognizing that we both have an important part to play in helping each other become more fully who we are....A soul connection not only inspires us to expand, but also forces us to confront whatever stands in the way of that expansion." 

John Welwood

So, thank you Chris for helping me realize my potential, for inspiring me to expand my heart to degrees I didn't think it was possible to stretch, and for the years of love, laughter, and understanding.

Anniversary dinner at Log Haven, then off to a remarkable contemporary musical ("Next to Normal") at Pioneer Theater.

(for a few more pics of our wedding day, click here)

Hold it together

Today marked another unwelcome milestone: the last 1st grade program I'll attend until I have grandchildren.

How depressing.

It was precious.  Cute Liza in her favorite sundress and cardigan standing up straight and tall next to her 1st grade buddies singing her little heart out with the rest of those adorable toothless children.  It didn't hit me until the final couple of songs that this was it, after three other sweet, innocent, and informative 1st grade programs throughout the years, this was my last . . . my baby was moving on.

Sniffle, sniffle.

I did pretty well holding it together until the slide show.  What is it about sadistic 1st grade teachers that want to make mothers of last children make fools of themselves in front of their neighbors??  Really, flood gates and NO tissues . . . man, I wasn't prepared.  My friends from the neighborhood (who, btw, still have younger children) offered their support and condolences with looks of confused sympathy.  Just wait my friends, your day will be here soon!

It was just last week for FHE that we watched Ryan's 1st grade program from Rock Canyon Elementary school in Provo, and now my little Liza was singing in hers.  Life seriously moves too quickly, and I'm finding myself becoming more emotional with each milestone.  Really, crying on the last day of "mommy and me" Kindermusik was one thing . . . what in the world am I going to be like when she graduates from high school??

The least I can do is capture the moment forever.  Oh, wait,  the video camera didn't have a battery and my camera battery died.  Wow, nice one Mom.   But, I did have the cell phone for a quick, yet grainy shot of my girl.  Oh, and thanks Caroline for spending the morning of your first day of summer break supporting your little sister . . . and wondering what is wrong with your overly emotional mother.

And thanks Liza for the giant hug and sweet kiss after the program.  You rock my world young one!

Not so great mom

Alright, I figured it's about time I let you in on a secret.  There are days when I stink as the mom, yep, really mess things up, and today I my kids clearly thought I'd be a great candidate for "worst mom EVER."

I think it's the guilt.  Guilt for not whisking Liza out of her first grade classroom months ago, and now regretting the lost weeks she has been required to spend in a windowless, dreary school with too many kids stuck in a tiny classroom with a teacher who doesn't believe in letting kids "read ahead" or do any math homework for fear that they will "know more" than the other students.

We pulled her out today and will begin homeschooling in the afternoons.  I should have moved her into a different school when I had the chance back in October, but thought things would get better and that I shouldn't be so hasty.  We tried to switch schools at the Christmas break, but unfortunately the classes were full, so this is my compromise.  She still will go to school in the morning because the class is smaller and after today's experiment, I know I'm not prepared or qualified to have her home all day.

So, with the massive weight of "not being more aware of my child's needs" plaguing me, I added more flames to my guilt fire and systematically offended each of my kids today.  Good one.

Here's the run-down:   anger at the school combined with frustration that Liza hasn't progressed much, led to unwarranted impatience as we were working on counting money (oh ya, and my neighbor came over right in the middle of it . . . always great to hear, "is everything ok" when you answer the door - ugh).  Nice.  Next victim, Ryan . . . I said something that made it sound like I didn't trust him (NEVER let your trustworthy teen think you don't trust them - ugh).  Good one Julie.  Next victim, Sophie . . . who came home from school excited to share the news of the day and all I did was nag about her completed math assignment she forgot to take to school.  Lovely.  Next victim, Caroline . . . I flipped out when she and Sophie let the dog out without supervision and it ran over to the neighbors, almost got hit by a car, and then pooped on the neighbor's lawn (immediately telling Caroline now she was responsible for that mess).  Just wonderful, did I forget anyone?

Alright, there you go, my less than stellar day of mothering.  I did apologize to everyone and my favorite response came from Caroline when she told me, "you can't just freak out like that and then say I'm sorry and act all happy like everything is normal again."  Um, yes I can Caroline, that's what I do :-).

Just so you all don't think I'm completely deserving of the award for the worst mom, we did make it to the store to pick out the little girls' Valentines, and I did manage to make a yummy curry/chicken/couscous dinner (guilt: not eating together, but rather everyone just grabbed a plate dished a serving straight from the stove and sat wherever - sigh).  And most importantly, they all received a big hug and heartfelt explanation that it was just a hard day and I'll try better next time.  Then I accompanied Chris to the first round of the state playoff hockey championships to cheer on our son . . . bonus, they won!

The good news is that tomorrow is a new day and I'll have a clean slate once again.

This explains it all . . .

It's not that I'm overly emotional, just highly evolved ;-).  I just listened to this story on NPR and found it really interesting and thought I would share with all the rest of you out there who also seem to have a hard time controlling those tear ducts!

Love the rain . . .

however, rainy days in the autumn are the pits and seriously bring me down, and I don't get depressed, but yesterday, ugh, the worst - just another lost day stuck indoors moping around wishing I was outside enjoying the colors and smells of the season.

Thank goodness for the SUN today or I seriously think I would have to be placed in the looney bin after yesterday :-).  LOVE the sun . . . can't wait to spend most of the day working in the yard and going on a hike with Liza.

"Whatever it takes"

Those were Chris' words to me a couple of days ago when he had about had it with my melancholy attitude. Wednesday night after another moment of breaking down and crying for no apparent reason, he kindly told me to "do whatever it takes to get back to yourself . . . what's up with this funk you've been in for the last couple of weeks? Seriously, tomorrow, you have the entire day, get outside, go for a hike, work in the yard, go do something to feel happy again, because you're never like this and I don't know how to handle it."

I have to laugh now because he was right, I was having a period of low energy or something - melancholy - that's the best way I could describe it. I just wasn't myself, wasn't talkative or outgoing at all, didn't want to go out much, wasn't interested in much, felt almost robotic in my daily activities. Plus, the weather was just lousy and dreary, and all I really wanted to do was sit at home and read (I did - i read two books in just over a week).

Thank goodness for Thursday morning and the SUN that finally decided to make an appearance. Ahhhh, I woke up refreshed and determined to change my attitude and get my energy back where it needed to be to function normally. It was Liza's day to play at her friend's home after kindergarten, which meant I had from 9am until 3:45 pm to myself. I had been in a quandary all day Wednesday trying to figure out how to spend those precious hours, when all I really wanted to do was get the kids to school and go back to bed! But with the sun rising above the canyon and the colors on the mountainside becoming more brilliant by the minute , I couldn't help but feel alive myself and ready for a fresh start.

The temple. That's where I needed to go, that's where I needed to be on such a beautiful morning. The drive along Wasatch towards the Draper temple was rejuvenating, walking inside that magnificent edifice made my heart lighter, and participating in an endowment session within it's beautiful corridors brought me peace and comfort. Besides the open house, it was my first time inside this temple and I couldn't have chosen a better place to spend my Thursday morning. The love I felt was incomprehensible.

As I was driving home, and already feeling more myself, I thought, "a little retail therapy can't hurt today." If you know me, you know I rarely shop anywhere else besides the the tables at Costco, however there is one little boutique in SLC that I have come to adore the past year and unfortunately stop inside to see what's new more that I should. Soooo, taking Chris' words "whatever it takes" to heart, I just had to drop by to see if they still had this jacket I've been drooling over for the past month but couldn't justify the price tag. Well, it must have been karma, because there it was in my size, just waiting to help me feel better . . . along with a new skirt, sweater, and an oh so cute blouse . . . sigh, I really don't like shopping, but oh, did it help bring back whatever part of "Julie" was missing! Apparently I still need "retail therapy" because tonight two of my good friends talked me into the most amazing new ski jacket and pants at the ski swap . . . sigh, but it sure brought a smile to my face :-).

Next part of my day, and the one thing Chris KNEW would make me feel better: the mountains. Get myself up into the canyon for an afternoon hike when the sun is at it's peak and the leaves will be their more brilliant. HEAVENLY. I hiked up Neff's canyon towards the back side of Mt. Olympus and it was truly spectacular - bright blue skies acting as canvas to the display of radiant yellow, red, and orange, with the towering granite walls to the east and the impressive views of the Salt Lake Valley to the west, it was exactly what I needed to wrap up my time alone before I picked up the kids at school.

Thank you Chris for your awareness of what I needed, to get that part of me that makes me "me" back again. I feel alive once again and hope you'll still remember telling me to do "whatever it takes" when you see the credit card statement ;-).

Tugged at my heartstrings . . .

By now everyone out there knows how I'm struggling with my kids growing up. How just the other day, I made Liza stand against the wall while I marked her height with a pencil and told her she absolutely CANNOT pass that line. How everytime Ryan stands next to me I'm relieved to see that I don't have to look UP to talk to him, not quite yet. And how, I smile inside every day I can still pick up Sophie and Liza, swing them in the air, and smother them with kisses and hugs, knowing full well that I only have a few short years to do so.

I am desperately trying to hold on to each moment, and it seems things are just speeding up rather than slowing down. Sooo, with keeping my recent emotional hang-ups in mind, it was no wonder the flood gates opened this evening while at the theater (I had taken Ryan and Caroline to see the latest Harry Potter) watching this trailer. It's too bad I wasn't able to embed into the blog, but take a minute to watch - it's beautiful.

So, there I am watching the opening previews with tears streaming down my face remembering the days when Ryan would beg to have us read this story just "one more time" before bedtime. How he would recite outloud with us: "and they roared their terrible roars, and rolled their terrible eyes, and gnashed their terrible teeth!" And how he would anxiously wait to verbalize the one word just for him . . . "and they cried, 'oh please don't go, we'll eat you up we love you so,' and Max said, 'NO!'" We would pause for a moment after "Max said . . . " and Ryan would shout out NO! with as much emotion as his 3-year old heart could muster.

Those are the memories that hit with such force tonight while the trailer was playing that I couldn't help leaning over and patting Ryan's knee and whispering to him, "remember how much you LOVED that book?" I could barely get out the words and was ready for Ryan to give me that look of "oh brother, don't tell me you're crying Mom!" But, I think he was as touched as I was because he just nodded and said, "yes, I remember."

4 years

It was 4 years ago this past weekend that we moved from our quaint, humble neighborhood nestled in the Provo foothills to our home here in Little Cottonwood. Really, four years doesn't seem like that much time in the grand scheme of things, but when you have children, it can be a lifetime. I think the pictures say it all . . .

Our final picture at 2950 N. 650 E. - the home where each child was brought home as a newborn.

The first weekend at our new home, on the front porch - July 2005

Fast forward four years to the same front porch - July 2009.

It's been a wonderful journey watching my children grow up, but at the same time looking at these pictures and realizing that in another four years, July 2013, I'll have a child preparing for college, a 16-year old daughter beginning to date and drive, another daughter turning 12 and beginning the YW program, and realizing that my baby will begin 4th grade.

I think I'm going to cry.