Photo shoot

All summer I kept procrastinating Sophie's 8-year pics and Caroline's 12-year photos - I try and get nice pictures of the kids at age 1, 4, 8, 12, then 16 - I like these ages, milestone ages, and a lot of change takes place in those short years, plus it's fun to see the kids' pictures side by side when they were the same age.  Anyway, I contacted Jamie (a darling photgrapher - we met last year after she took Liza's 4 yr. photo) and told her I needed some quick pictures of Sophie and Caroline before the good weather was gone, AND before they turned 9 and 13!

Before I knew it Jamie told me that I might as well bring Ryan and Liza along as well for some sibling photos, then she suggested doing these "urban shots" downtown as well as the girls' pics at Memory Grove, then the night before she sent me an e-mail telling me to look decent because I might as well jump in some shots as well.  Sooo, after running around like a mad woman trying to find outfits that didn't clash for the kids, getting everyone up early and ready on a Saturday, changing the girls in the car into their dresses, and trying to look put together myself, I have to say I was quite pleased with the final product.  Here are a few of the many I liked:

I'm happy, especially now it's over :-).  Jamie's great - click here if you're interested.  She's extremely reasonable - $150 for the entire shoot, plus editing, and the cd is yours to keep.  It was worth the effort!

Love the rain . . .

however, rainy days in the autumn are the pits and seriously bring me down, and I don't get depressed, but yesterday, ugh, the worst - just another lost day stuck indoors moping around wishing I was outside enjoying the colors and smells of the season.

Thank goodness for the SUN today or I seriously think I would have to be placed in the looney bin after yesterday :-).  LOVE the sun . . . can't wait to spend most of the day working in the yard and going on a hike with Liza.

Honest answer

Sophie, always the one to ask whatever is on her mind, while watching me prepare Sunday dinner today, looked directly at me and thoughtfully asked, "is it hard being a mom?" I didn't even think before realizing how brutally honest my answer sounded. "No, not at all, I love being a mom . . . it's harder being a wife." Her eyes flashed instant understanding and she responded, "ahhh, ya, that makes sense," and skipped off with the knowledge that she's loved and even if things sometimes aren't perfect, it's not because I don't love her or the fact that I'm a mom.

I'm not sure if I should have blurted out such a statement to my 8-year old, but I'm thinking it's alright, that our children need to feel confident in my feelings towards them, my feelings about motherhood, and even sometimes embracing those honest moments to let them know that marriage is hard work and when they feel a little tension, they can feel assured that it's not them.

"Whatever it takes"

Those were Chris' words to me a couple of days ago when he had about had it with my melancholy attitude. Wednesday night after another moment of breaking down and crying for no apparent reason, he kindly told me to "do whatever it takes to get back to yourself . . . what's up with this funk you've been in for the last couple of weeks? Seriously, tomorrow, you have the entire day, get outside, go for a hike, work in the yard, go do something to feel happy again, because you're never like this and I don't know how to handle it."

I have to laugh now because he was right, I was having a period of low energy or something - melancholy - that's the best way I could describe it. I just wasn't myself, wasn't talkative or outgoing at all, didn't want to go out much, wasn't interested in much, felt almost robotic in my daily activities. Plus, the weather was just lousy and dreary, and all I really wanted to do was sit at home and read (I did - i read two books in just over a week).

Thank goodness for Thursday morning and the SUN that finally decided to make an appearance. Ahhhh, I woke up refreshed and determined to change my attitude and get my energy back where it needed to be to function normally. It was Liza's day to play at her friend's home after kindergarten, which meant I had from 9am until 3:45 pm to myself. I had been in a quandary all day Wednesday trying to figure out how to spend those precious hours, when all I really wanted to do was get the kids to school and go back to bed! But with the sun rising above the canyon and the colors on the mountainside becoming more brilliant by the minute , I couldn't help but feel alive myself and ready for a fresh start.

The temple. That's where I needed to go, that's where I needed to be on such a beautiful morning. The drive along Wasatch towards the Draper temple was rejuvenating, walking inside that magnificent edifice made my heart lighter, and participating in an endowment session within it's beautiful corridors brought me peace and comfort. Besides the open house, it was my first time inside this temple and I couldn't have chosen a better place to spend my Thursday morning. The love I felt was incomprehensible.

As I was driving home, and already feeling more myself, I thought, "a little retail therapy can't hurt today." If you know me, you know I rarely shop anywhere else besides the the tables at Costco, however there is one little boutique in SLC that I have come to adore the past year and unfortunately stop inside to see what's new more that I should. Soooo, taking Chris' words "whatever it takes" to heart, I just had to drop by to see if they still had this jacket I've been drooling over for the past month but couldn't justify the price tag. Well, it must have been karma, because there it was in my size, just waiting to help me feel better . . . along with a new skirt, sweater, and an oh so cute blouse . . . sigh, I really don't like shopping, but oh, did it help bring back whatever part of "Julie" was missing! Apparently I still need "retail therapy" because tonight two of my good friends talked me into the most amazing new ski jacket and pants at the ski swap . . . sigh, but it sure brought a smile to my face :-).

Next part of my day, and the one thing Chris KNEW would make me feel better: the mountains. Get myself up into the canyon for an afternoon hike when the sun is at it's peak and the leaves will be their more brilliant. HEAVENLY. I hiked up Neff's canyon towards the back side of Mt. Olympus and it was truly spectacular - bright blue skies acting as canvas to the display of radiant yellow, red, and orange, with the towering granite walls to the east and the impressive views of the Salt Lake Valley to the west, it was exactly what I needed to wrap up my time alone before I picked up the kids at school.

Thank you Chris for your awareness of what I needed, to get that part of me that makes me "me" back again. I feel alive once again and hope you'll still remember telling me to do "whatever it takes" when you see the credit card statement ;-).

No words

Wish I were a poet, wish I could adequetly write the things in my heart, but I'll try:

Morning, driving home alone, acoustic "For Everyman" for company, up the canyon hill, lost in my thoughts.

Catch my breath, unparralled beauty, mountain on fire, no words, swallow hard, deeply feel the moment.

Fleeting. Autumn. Peace. Blessed am I.

It's been awhile!

My mind has finally decided it can't function any longer until it's relieved of the many thoughts, impressions, and ideas floating around inside. I've needed to "catch up" and whenever the thought entered my mind, I decided just to ignore it . . . sort of like the idea of "maybe you should organize that drawer, or closet, or laundry room, or basement" . . . if I just put it out of my mind, it actually doesn't need to happen, right? Wrong!

Besides my impressions of India, there have been so many other little moments during the past few months that I have wanted to capture, so right now I just want to write about those small, but meaningful times that have meant so much and made me so happy:

1. Making homemade apple pie this afternoon with Sophie and Caroline using the apples from our backyard apple trees.

2. UEA weekend - 5 days of complete bliss! We didn't go anywhere, no packing, no long car rides, just the kids and I spending our days sleeping in, spending time together, and enjoying the crisp fall weather. Memory to capture: walking through the zoo, holding hands with a little girl on each side, feeling the warmth of an autumn evening, and suddenly stopping, crouching down and smothering these two sweethearts and whispering in their ears how HAPPY I was at that moment and how I couldn't imagine being anywhere else in the world but with them!

3. Conference weekend - inspiring, enlightening, touching, life altering. One of those conferences that truly spoke to me. Some of the talks that stood out in my mind were given by Elder Uchtdorf, Boyd K. Packer, Henry B. Eyring, Jeffry R. Holland, and Elder Christofferson. What beautiful messages!

4. Listening to Chris play the piano in the evening, as he's doing this moment - always such a calming influence at the end of the day. Also, the other night after coming back from a wedding reception with Sophie and Caroline while Liza and Ryan were off at friends - it was the four of us laughing, dancing, being silly in the living room while Chris played and sang for us. Peaceful evening.

5. Bear Lake this summer . . . making dinner EARLY one late afternoon so we could enjoy the evening down on the beach as the sun was setting. I was stretched out on my stomach reading a book, watching the glow of the sun illuminate the water and hills as the kids played in the reeds near the shore while catching frogs . . . ahhhh. Splendid indeed.

6. Chris planning and following through on a trip for he and Ryan. Watching the excitement build each day as Chris would plan another leg of their "guys trip" was so sweet, it almost brought me to tears a few times. He waited until everything was all set - plane tickets, hotel rooms, rental car, and each day's activities planned, before he surprised Ryan a few weeks before they were to leave on an unforgettable week together in Michigan, Toronto, and upstate New York.

7. Watching the growth and maturity in both Ryan and Caroline. This summer both kids were involved in so many programs and camps it about made my head spin, but they couldn't have been happier and we felt so blessed that they had these amazing opportunities to grow spiritually, socially, and develop their talents. They both participated in our ward youth conference - river rafting down the Colorado river and hiking in Moab - it was a beautiful testimony growing experience and Ryan spoke in sacrament meeting the following Sunday about what he felt and learned. Caroline went to girls' camp for the first time and thought it was just about the greatest week of her life, and she kept busy with tennis camps and a theater camp at Hale Center Theater where she met so many new friends and loved every minute. Ryan attended EFY down in Provo this summer and came back with a stronger testimony, greater faith, and so many fun stories about his time spent with other youth and fabulous counselors. He also went to Lake Powell with the Young Men in our ward and participated in a couple lacrosse camps.

I couldn't be more thrilled with the direction these two children's lives are taking. They bring so much joy and happiness into our family and both Chris and I are so grateful for the example they are to their younger sisters.

8. Sitting next to my dear friend Jodelle with Caroline on the other side at her daughter Hannah's (one of Caroline's best friends) dance performance. There we were, on the 2nd row, smiling SO big and making funny faces while Hannah was trying to perform her "flying monkey" dance in this ridiculous unitard that Jodelle thought was hideous, that we made her laugh and mess up. It was just one of those "had to be there" moments, but just the fact that our daughters are such good friends and we all get one another's humor, care so much for each other, and have so much fun, I don't know - it was one of those evenings I'll never forget. Caroline and I laughed all the way home!

9. Taking Ryan down to Utah Lake for his personal watercraft license. I had to drive Ryan down to take his test and back home one summer evening, and before I knew it, it turned out to be one of those rare moments when we just talked, and talked, and talked. For some reason, returning to Provo always opens the doors to so many memories that I just began sharing some dating stories and other stories of college life, and before I knew it Ryan was full of questions and we were laughing so hard at some of the silly things I did my freshman year, my lame dates, and other fun BYU tidbits . . . it's a wonderful thing when your kids are old enough to understand your past and laugh with you at some of your mistakes - great bonding moment.

10. Sophie's baptism. I'll never forget how sweet and pure and innocent my Sophie was on that day. Truly one of our Heavenly Father's choicest spirits. So much love during her baptism that Chris could barely say the words, and then Sophie stepping into the dressing room in tears - overwhelmed and so touched by her own feelings that all she could do was cry, so we just sat together and talked . . . a moment I'll never forget.

11. Being constantly entertained and feeling the pure joy and love that makes our Elizabeth. Everything that comes out of that child's mouth makes me smile - everyday. Her constant hugs and kisses are just so sweet, I don't want to think about the day she'll stop coming over for a hug every 5 minutes. I've been such a homebody lately and it's because I want to spend my days with my youngest child - reading stories in her favorite chair, going on walks, going to the park, and just letting her play in the playroom she created in the dining room - letting her be in her own little world. She is truly one of the greatest blessings in our family. None of us could imagine our home without our Liza.

12. Making time with Caroline to go to the "Art Market" yesterday and let her pick out some jewelry with some money she's earned from babysitting jobs, then playing tennis together. I'm not sure how much longer "hanging out with Mom on a Saturday afternoon" will appeal to her, but for now she enjoys it and really had a great time, and it sure made me happy just spending time with my beautiful daughter.

I'll wrap it up there. It feels good to write again, to express myself and catch up on those little moments and feelings that would soon be forgotten if I didn't take the time to write them down.

I'm Alive . . .

just letting anyone who is remotely interested, that I'm still breathing and life is good - summer ended much to quickly, the mountains are already bursting with color, the kids are settled in school, and I in a routine . . . which means I'll be back to meaningful blog posts hopefully SOON!

XOXO

INDIA

We made it half way across the world to this amazing country. I tagged along with Chris and a couple of his co-workers to Bangalore where his company has an office. India is a place I've dreamed of visiting for at least the past 15 years and I'm still pinching myself that I actually made it! I love the culture, the people, the smells, the food, the music - everything. Everyone is so polite and I'm getting pretty used to being called "madame." Now if I can just teach my kids to say, "yes ma'am," "how is madame this morning?"or "would madame care for a drink?" I would be living the good life ;-).

Getting here wasn't nearly as horrible as I thought it would be (I actually slept for over half of our 13 hour flight from Atlanta to Dubai. Chris had me so frightened by his descriptions of the "torturous" flight, that I was expecting something MUCH worse. Oh, it did help to have an empty seat next to me as well :-). So, after almost 30 hours since we left our home for the airport we arrived at our hotel - a beautiful, relaxing oasis in the middle of bustling India. We feel like we're staying in the middle of the jungle in a British colonial plantation at the turn of the century. Poor Chris, he has to work all week while I relax, shop, and go sight-seeing. Oh well, we'll have the weekend and we did enjoy a wonderful day together yesterday.
I'm soaking it all in and will write and post pictures soon. FREAK - our housekeeper guy just stopped by with an arrangement of fresh flowers for our room - seriously, I'm going to have a hard time adjusting to normal life after this trip!

CLICK HERE for pictures . . . CLICK HERE for even more pictures.

Going PRIVATE

Personally, I never wanted to make my blog private.

I love perusing blogs (when I have the time) and finding interesting people, inspiring messages, and uplifting stories. I love finding connections with people I've never met, seeing the world though their eyes, and almost always learning something new through another's blog posting.

I like having that influence as well, and feel that my blog is a way to express myself through writing while keeping a history of our family and our collective and individual experiences. However, with all the wonderful things a blog can become, it also carries it's risks and I've realized that the risks are now outweighing the positives, and thus I'm locking it down to only those readers whom I know and trust.

It saddens me that I no longer have the power to make a new friend or make someone's day better by a quote or funny story I posted. Oh well, I still have my friends and family to keep close and I'm more than happy to send an invite to ANYONE who asks :-).

"What's Lagoon?"

I had to chuckle the other day when Sophie asked this question as we walked passed a store window advertising discounted Lagoon tickets. I know, she's probably the only 8-year old in the state who hasn't even heard of Lagoon, and I'm sure my kids are missing out on a quintessential Utah experience because their parents have absolutely no interest in taking them to amusement parks. The crowds, the heat, the rides, the noise . . . ugh, not our favorite. I don't mind Disneyland and California (that's me - don't ask Chris, he just tolerates Disneyland), it's more of an experience for the kids and it's REALLY clean, and we also try to go off season to miss the crowds. But Lagoon, no interest.

I haven't been since 9th grade Lagoon Day and Ryan finally went for his FIRST time last summer with a group of friends. Caroline still hasn't been (she reminds me every summer), and apparently the two youngest kids don't even know it exists! We hope to keep it that way ;-).

Seriously

Fast, expensive, rarely seen sport cars - this is our 5-year old daughter's latest fixation. Seriously. It's been going on for months now and at first we thought it was just a whim, but the other day when I had to calm her down after she hurt herself by looking at Ferraris on the computer, or when, on our way to Bear Lake she announced that if we were driving a Ferrari we wouldn't feel all the bumps in the road and we would get there much faster, or how she wants a poster of a yellow Ferrari in her room, I knew we're talking about more than a passing whim.

It all started in the spring when a bright red Ferrari whizzed past us and Liza gasped, "whoa, did you see that CAR?!! What was that?" Now she is constantly on the look-out for anything that looks remotely close to a Ferrari and she's driving us crazy with her nonstop inquiries . . . "was that a Corvette or a Ferrari? . . . "WAIT, slow down, I think I saw a Ferrari!" . . . "Ooooh, did you see that car? Oh, it's not a Ferrari, it's a Porche, what's a Porche?" . . . "Is that car a Ferrari, a Corvette, or a Porche???" It's getting ridiculous.

So, tonight we went on a walk over to this neighbor whom I've never met, but who collects these types of cars and keeps them in a special garage, just hoping he would be out front washing one (hopefully the Ferrari). Liza thought we were going on the greatest field trip ever, but unfortunately the garage wasn't open and we didn't get a peek, but now I know exactly what I'll use next time I need to bribe the kid. Seriously.

"Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us

if we do not love it enough."

Garrison Keillor

Bal-ance [bal-uh ns]:

mental steadiness or emotional stability;

habit of calm behavior, judgment, etc.

"Finding balance," "needing balance," "out of balance," "feeling balanced". . . phrases that, if you know me, know I use on a regular basis. You would think I'm a tight-rope walker or something! Speaking of tight-rope walking, you've got to see this movie, we watched it last night as a family and the kids were mesmorized, they loved it (just be ready to jump up in front of the TV during the silly, oh so French, moment in the hotel room ;-).

OK, back to the thought at hand. Last week I was feeling very out of balance, needing something to equalize my energy and I knew exactly what was missing, what I needed, and how as each day passed, I could not find the hour or two that it would take to calm my soul and restore peace. It was the week before Sophie's birthday, the last week of July, and the weekend before was our family trip at the Lake. I was on edge, I could feel it, and the strangest part is that during this time of year my consciousness knows and is fully aware that it's the most beautiful time of year in our canyons and it is exactly where I'm supposed to be. So when I can't get there, I'm not myself.

I finally made it happen. The morning of Sophie's birthday I went trail running to jump start the weekend and thankfully made it back before the birthday girl woke up. The next day I grabbed the girls and hiked Big Cottonwood knowing full well the wildflowers were in bloom and crossing my fingers we hadn't missed the best of them. Plus, just the smell of fresh pine, the sound of rushing water, and the surrounding beauty would restore balance to anyone. The following day the entire family visited Albion Basin where the flowers and mountains in the evening were absolutely stunning. Then two days later I took the little girls up for an evening hike on the quarry trail and was in awe as the setting sun reflected it's warm glow through the aspens on those towering granite walls.

Breathtaking, energizing, rejuvenating, liberating . . .

Balanced once again.

Special Day

"He that is baptized in my name, to him will the Father give the Holy

Ghost, like unto me; wherefore, follow me, and do the things which ye have seen me do."

2 Nephi 31:12

I wanted to take a few minutes this morning to reflect on Sophie's baptism that will take place later this afternoon. For those not familiar with our faith, the day a child is baptized at age eight is truly an important day in their life and the lives of those who love them.
We are so proud of Sophie, what a light she is, and what a privilege it is to have her in our home. She has always had such a strong spirit about her which I have no doubt will lead her to accomplish great things in the future. We are all looking forward to her baptism and confirmation, and sharing this day with our family and friends.

Side Note: Some of you who received the invitation were curious about where I had it designed. Follow THIS LINK for more information. I was very pleased!

Tugged at my heartstrings . . .

By now everyone out there knows how I'm struggling with my kids growing up. How just the other day, I made Liza stand against the wall while I marked her height with a pencil and told her she absolutely CANNOT pass that line. How everytime Ryan stands next to me I'm relieved to see that I don't have to look UP to talk to him, not quite yet. And how, I smile inside every day I can still pick up Sophie and Liza, swing them in the air, and smother them with kisses and hugs, knowing full well that I only have a few short years to do so.

I am desperately trying to hold on to each moment, and it seems things are just speeding up rather than slowing down. Sooo, with keeping my recent emotional hang-ups in mind, it was no wonder the flood gates opened this evening while at the theater (I had taken Ryan and Caroline to see the latest Harry Potter) watching this trailer. It's too bad I wasn't able to embed into the blog, but take a minute to watch - it's beautiful.

So, there I am watching the opening previews with tears streaming down my face remembering the days when Ryan would beg to have us read this story just "one more time" before bedtime. How he would recite outloud with us: "and they roared their terrible roars, and rolled their terrible eyes, and gnashed their terrible teeth!" And how he would anxiously wait to verbalize the one word just for him . . . "and they cried, 'oh please don't go, we'll eat you up we love you so,' and Max said, 'NO!'" We would pause for a moment after "Max said . . . " and Ryan would shout out NO! with as much emotion as his 3-year old heart could muster.

Those are the memories that hit with such force tonight while the trailer was playing that I couldn't help leaning over and patting Ryan's knee and whispering to him, "remember how much you LOVED that book?" I could barely get out the words and was ready for Ryan to give me that look of "oh brother, don't tell me you're crying Mom!" But, I think he was as touched as I was because he just nodded and said, "yes, I remember."

It's GReaT to be EiGHt!

Our Miss Sophie celebrated her 8th Birthday last Friday, July 31st - what a happy day for Soph! I really cannot believe our little girl is growing up so quickly into such a bright, beautiful, intelligent "big" girl. I still vividly remember the day she was born - everything about that morning and how we didn't know her gender and thought for sure she was a boy because it felt like I had a linebacker inside! We are so blessed to have her in our family, even with that feisty spirit about her.

Sophie loves to feel special, she thrives on any extra attention we can give her, so for her birthday it was a pleasure to watch her truly so happy because it was her day to choose the activities, to have the special breakfast, to pick the restaurant for the special date with Mom and Dad, and to blow out the candles and unwrap presents. It was a wonderful day for Sophie and it warmed my heart to see her so full of life and anticipation. I'd be lying if I told you all she's our easiest child, or 2nd easiest, or even 3rd easiest . . . hmmm, guess that means she's our toughest . . . she's that one child that brings SO much joy into our life, but at the same time SO much grief. If you are remotely interested, you can catch a glimpse into Sophie's personality by glancing at this post, or this post.

That said, her birthday party with friends is still on hold. I've decided to hang on to the invitations until she's "earned" the party. One side of me really feels for her, because I get it, I get how easy it can be at times to overreact to situations and become frustrated with people (her siblings) so quickly. However, one rule in our home is that if we can't treat our sisters/brother like we would a friend, we don't get to play with friends. Soooo, the party has been on, then delayed, then back on, then postponed, then back on, and now it's postponed indefinitely until she can show me her inner strength by not losing her temper. *SIGH* I'm sure I'll hear about it in 20 years when she's explaining the reason why she's in therapy is because she never got that birthday party!

Sophie's Day - 8 years old

Lunch at her favorite spot - Salt City Burger Co.

Activity of choice - BOWLING

My beauties

Presents . . . so exciting!

A new Breyer collectable - thanks Liza!

"I guess if you're not going to get me a REAL horse, this is the next best thing!"

Eight candles - thanks Caroline for baking the cake :-).

Now, THIS is the Sophie we all love - nothing like trick candles to keep us laughing!

20 Years . . .

Has it really been 20 years since High School graduation? Twenty years since that magical summer of '89 . . . that last summer of my youth, the last summer I lived in the same house as my parents, the last summer I walked the quiet streets of my childhood neighborhood after dark talking and laughing with girlfriends, the last summer of complete freedom, the last summer driving aimlessly with the windows down and the music much too loud . . . the last summer of no responsibility??

Fast forward twenty years to the summer of 2009 . . . responsibility is now an understatement, long walks chatting with girlfriends is a guilty pleasure I relish rather than take for granted, and there is definitely no time to drive aimlessly or to have the music louder than is tolerable!

A couple of weeks ago we, the Bountiful High School class of '89 celebrated those 20 years, and I realized that although we've all grown up, we've also collectively experienced so much joy, pain, happiness, and heartache during those years of growing up. It was a beautiful experience. It seemed no one was afraid to mention the divorce, the separation, the lost job, the illness, the loneliness, the loss of a child or spouse, the fear of moving yet again, or the fear of what lies ahead. As much as I resent the word, we have become adults. However, for a couple of evenings we reminisced, laughed, and shared stories from years past that made each one of us feel young once again.

There is something to be said about those people who share your history, who knew you when you were 7, or 12, or 15 years old. We all seem to remember certain aspects of each other and when you see one another again after so many years, you have a clearer picture of who that person is and how much they really meant to you during those crucial years, and how much more they mean to you now. It was a wonderful weekend to reunite with old friends and classmates, and I am eternally grateful to Kristen and her committee for all the hours they put in to making it come together as beautifully as it did - thank you!

Click here for more fun pictures of the event!